sitting with a philosophy essay between me and a bus ride to the eternal everywhere. sun and wind outside but i have to wring words from my hands before i can go into it for two weeks and come out different or the same. my brain feels like its been wrung dry, my body feels like if i close my eyes for too long i’ll be struck with vertigo. i feel as though i’ve stepped outside of the flow and now i can’t pick it up again, can’t get back into it. or like i picked up the new flow too soon. you  find so many wonderful things when you’re not demanding something specific. philosophy essay now about how we fill the empty holes and why life sometimes has the consistency of styrofoam.

 

so there’s not much to say except the place to start: i’ve been in the same place for over a year now, living in the same tiny apartment perched on the edge of a busy neighbourhood, filled with sunlight and old beer bottles and boys falling asleep on the couch. i would be lying if i said i didn’t feel hemmed in. i would be lying if i said i didn’t feel as though i’ve become a victim of a routine-my anger and frustration as much to do with the actions of others as they are with this reality-but I am so bad at processing those reactions. I’m trying to get better-I’m trying to be honest with myself, to ride the wave no matter how much it sucks and convince myself not to scrap the entire thing because the bottom fell out from under me for a minute. and that’s what it felt like-as though I had created this space of safety and control, had this perfect summer, and then the kids tore through town knocking shit over and burning down grocery stores. and i watched from the hill and debated whether it was worth going back to build it up again.

 

mobile blogging from Spanish class

Friday: insomnia for monis birthday. Waldorf martinis and bruschetta, tomato, mozzarella and pesto sandwiches, and free shots and cake, eating strawberries and whipped cream. We gave her a set of stackable bowls from Joseph Joseph, that we bought at neat on queen. On Saturday I made eggs benedict with avocado, then Megan and I drove to queens quay to Joe fresh. I bought a pair of sherbet coloured flip flops, a navy circle skirt with white polka dots, and a pair of vintagey looking wide leg jeans. We made pomtinis with the 90 % vodka laurens dad bought her from Texas, and went to wrongbar. Watched gonzo, the hunter s Thompson documentary, and also rewatched the wackness with Megan on Saturday.and now my prof is making jokes about child labour, and I’m feeling grateful for lessons learned, and our class is ending 15 minutes early. Good day.

 

school bus-the drive home from vancouver, 2008

redwood faces in big basin state park, california

akron/family at the crepe place in santa cruz

burning man/coachella mountains

the grand canyon

when i make it to moab, i’ll get my canteen filled.

chicago sunrise

 

THIS NEW YEARS:

After throwing a keg party in my tiny 3-bedroom walk-up (“Because ‘small apartment’ is just another word for ‘pretty big dancefloor once we move all the furniture’”) I found myself, and two gentlemen, lying a a plaid-covered futon. The floor was littered with keg cups, champagne corks, and gold tinsel, and my feet still ached from an akron/family-fueled post-3am dance party courtesy of the lovely friend who agreed to dj la fiesta. We curled together and smoked a joint, listening to fleet foxes ‘white winter hymnal’ and talking about old-people wisdom from underneath afghans. a wonderful start to 2009.

 

AS IF i knew the way

 

girl-email conversation over the course of a sunny workday. i can hear crickets from my window. 

“PLUS you have to fight the culturocracy that has created a world where feelings are invalid and we’re all supposed to be too-cool-for-school robots. try to look at ‘freak-outs’ as a positive, because without them, we would all just be empty condos in the sky and nothing interesting would ever happen”

word. 

 

anyway, what is it about reading someone’s diary that makes you feel like you’re their bff. this is why i get a teeny tug at my hearstrings watching lesley arfin do the twist (cafeconlesley.blogspot.com)

 

writing up an article on the Tiny Vices TV Books show at Studio Gallery…should be cool beans. ladies dinner tonight around the tiny table. i’m making DAS MOJITOS. mmm good stuff.

 

EFFING ridiculous

i finished reading americana by don delillo last night. it’s amazing and dark and weird and fantastic and everyone should read it. i bought a new navy vintage dress, with white flowers, and a gold fish-scale belt at tru-valu vintage. tomorrow is knoll-aid 2.0, megan and sarah are playing and i’m going to go film it. fun fun. 

 

collective bells like guayasamin…

k so this is my school of seven bells discovery: as far as i can tell (from rolling stone, internet, etc.) they only have one lp (face to face on high places), which i can’t find anywhere in vancouver, so i’ll just have to keep obsessing over their myspace for now. myspace.com/schoolofsevenbells i also bought the new mgmt cd at zulu, which i love. i drive around listening to the first song so loud it almost breaks my speakers and pretend i’m just going to keep driving across the border to california, instead of home to read about aztec art history and fantasize about destroying my professor who looks like a mole. sigh.  

 

here comes the…

i have developed a mini-obsession with lavender diamond, driving around vancouver in the sun listening to this cd, feeling like spring and loveliness. someone almost hit my car on the way home from easter dinner last night. the dinner was at carolyn‘s older sister becky‘s house, delicious beets and carrots, scalloped potatoes, spinach salad and strawberry short cake, all home made, all amazing. i stopped at the park above kits beach to watch the sunset on the way home and then, two blocks away from the house, some guy ran a stop sign and almost hit my car. karma, i guess, if it had happened for my accident in the fall. karma has been in full force this week, which is a little bit strange. a sly malicious text to a friend’s cheating ex now seems ominous when she came down with the ailment we accused him of having. wiiiierd, no? my other new obsessions are school of seven bells, the collective formed by the old guitarist from the secret machines, who i loved. it’s a frustrating one though because i don’t know if they’ve even recorded anything, zulu definitely doesn’t have it but they never have anything so whatever, and the myspace only has 3 songs to listen to, so i do, over and over, becoming a crazy. i guess i’ll look for something at amoeba when i go to california in FOUR WEEKS AHHH!  i also love love love frye anne harness boots, je want. it is a BEAUTIFUL day!

 

victory (sort of almost, definitely pre-emptive)

so i’ve cut together something for the beginning of my york video, and i’m actually feeling pretty positive about it. hoo-ray! had a roommate reunion with kim and chelsea at rugby club, we ordered so-so hummus and i got this crazy vegetable terrine thing, think goat cheese, avocado, kiwis, etc. tres delish. chelsea pointed out it was the first time we’d all hung out together since we were sharing an apartment 2 years ago, crazy. especially since i see kim every week in creative writing 202 (every week when i go) and chelsea every week at DG meeting (again, every week when i go), but i guess i just never see them together. my new roommates have been really awesome about helping me with the york thing, rebecca gave me all this advice and did a screen test, and dustin leant me lights and reflectors and jazz. it was very cool of them. had a big talk with elliott about his lady-friend, but it seems like things are back on the right track for them. toronto tomorrow yay!